The Unplanned Journey

...how should I start.... I finally took my session with my psychiatrist... tbyt shi ni chlri...  Mtlb i have 2 therapists now...  One tackles my mental state Another tackle my productivity  .. It was a 2 hour session ofc... m baat krte krte cheekhne lg gyii lmao...  Btate btate sb... Fir btate btate suffocate hone lg gya and... last mei I was breathless...  Anxiety attack in the mid of the session.... It was so hard to capture my breath back bhyi... i thought I would collapse...  Fr... Even now I cannot breathe... But okey... Um... went to college but bht unproductive the sb...  Kuch ni kia 11 se 4.30 tk khali baithi rhi...  I have 4 assignments to submit kal ... ek bhi ni kra abi... I'll have to do I night puller ...  3 ...din se itna late sori hu subh  Sir itna bhaari hota h... upr se exams... and exams khtm hone se phle hi new session bhi start krre ...  Bht tiring hay sb.... I cant even take a break...  And fir upr se ye o...

Kuchhh ni h kehne ke lie... irritate hori bs itna ...  Suffocated lgra hy... i cant tell... I wish i could see you... or atleast may be talk to you...  Kuch ni ho para...  Yaha toh i have started feeling I am talking ti a wall... That's it... Happy to see... ki nrml chlra tumhri life m kfi kuch...  Dhyn rkho ap apna...!!♡ And i miss you alot... alot more than you can ever think... ..

Umm...  Weird idk... what do I want to write... I obviously feel like talking... As I have no control over me.  ... I want you to write something...  Something lengthy...  Something...  Which i can read for a long duration thoda...  ... I'm tired... and messy... ... I miss you... JJ... I miss you... alot...? Wayyy more than alot... ig... .... Kyaaa h ye mrko irritate hora hy mrse... Mai bhyi...  Kya kru kya mai Tf is wrong ...  Mrko rona hy... mrko kuch ni kra jara  Kuch krne ka mnn ni hora kya h ye...  Meko ni psnd ara ye... ...  I miss you...  Bht zda ...  ... ...

Okey its late again.. veryyy late actually... assignment krri thi din m classes k chkr m time ni milta...  I missed all the Schedule clg assignments ka socha tha academic comeback krungi lmao i have 2 days and 7 assignments due... bde bde...  Ro ro ke ek abi kia... Life is tough...  Aj it was around 1 ... rt ke m kaam krri thi aram s gaane sunte sunte mumma was sitting samne ... achnk idk mrko ky hua... chest m itnaaa shaaarp pain.. jj i cant explain kitna tez mai vhi ear pods nikaal k sb fenk dia itna rest less hone lg gya and ankho m ansu.. mumma dr gyi ... ki ky hua ky hua... it was ek..  7..8 min ka session... m rone baith gyi...  It felt as if i will passout...  out of pain...  Abhi... hy drd km hy but touch krne p bhi h... Weird  Pgl hogyi hu m vai out of anxiety mne khi nails ghusa die khoon nikal gya ... unknowingly  Hua bht...  I miss you... JJ... i won't lie Mrko kisi ki need abi b feel ni hoti... jb jb sochti tumhre bre m... b...

Is it normal...? To feel a sharp pain in your heart once to recall something achanak..? That feeling that my heart would explode maybe or may be my chest would collapse...esa?... Ni na shyd... shi mei movie bnkr rh gyi zindagi... i wished to be a writer.. but not ese... not for someone... about whom I wanted to write ... for everyone else to read...  ... me getting drained dhire dhire... unproductive hote jana... kaam na krna...  Functioning zero? Khana pina body ka deny krna... khali rho toh b zoned out rhna where i am not at all thinking... kuch... hth kaapne lg jte achnk kbi bhi... achnk temperament loose hona or Mera chillane lag jana...?  Is it normal..? Nai na? I dont even find myself that... that glow I had... i have lost it too...  I am seeing my face me my aura getting dull dhire dhire...  Kisi se bt krti toh I tend to avoid logo ko ab... And Ese achnk ek rt I recall... US... I can idk... if I can forget the senses of your touch... .. i can't even wash ...

Kfi raat hogyi h...  Bht zda hi... neend hi ni arhi... kuch baatein yaad kr rhi thi...  Hmari... ofc... Or fir miss miss hogya... ki  Hote abi... toh m reel section m ni fsi hoti pr tumhara dm kholkr bt krri hoti...  Or sojate toh call maar deti  And you would have said yesssss loveee...  Cute na? U gave a thought... as u said...  Having a family is cute...  Not so big of a family or...  Ek kid atleast ... And yhi se tumhri bt ati... hn vai tumhre lie ek hi kr hi lungi...  .... Itni baatein yd ajati h... krleti hu... umh...  Idk mai kahi or dhyn b depaungi toh... man. Hi ni krta bolne ka dekhne ka... kisi ko bhi kuchhh bhi... ... I miss you... I miss you alot...<3